Does it not irritate you when someone who has had the opportunity to watch you prepare for a certain thing, asks if you are READY for it, particularly if they frequently asks with an expression of doubt? It gets to me.
I have had the privilege of having encounters with many different people who have gone through the same path I am preparing myself for: ‘ntwaso’, ‘lefehlo’, ‘ho phetisa’, initiation. Through our different conversations, what to expect is always a hot topic. What has been a common answer is waking at wee hours of the morning for meditation, prayer and uku-phahla which is ;by the way; one of the things I and anyone who grew up with spiritual healers in their families/household grew up doing anyways. Bathing with cold water at times and not to forgetting fasting and sleeping on the floor But if you grew up visiting your grandparents with all your cousins you know sleeping on the floor was your best part of it all… “So if you think that is going to be a challenge for me then Bring it on” is what I thought. I secretly judged people who mentioned those things and said ho phetisa was hard, I thought to myself “but these people are such brats how can waking at 3AM and sleeping on the floor be that difficult”,hence the question “are you ready” always got me. A part of me thought “so you think I am a brat”.
If you asked me if I was ready for ho phetisa a week or so ago my answer would have been ’YES’, and people who have asked me before can attest to this. I thought intwaso/ho phetisa was all about what I had heard on the street, what I read on blogs, social media sites and vlogs, until my recent incident which I wouldn’t pen down word for word but it was a visit from my late mom which I call sedimo saka, not only did it burst my bubble of thinking I’m ready, but also awakened me to the fact that, there’s more to the journey I’m yet to embark, than the 3am prayers and all that I had thought were small waters. What happened was that one morning after I had prayed,meditated and asked for light,I woke up soaked in tears from an intense dream that forced me to go back to my past and unpack the hurts and pain I had not dealt with. For me, it was better packed and not touched nor looked at because in that way no pain was inflicted. For the longest time, this was my coping mechanism. I didn’t want to experience pain, but how was I to heal when I carry so much toxicity, so much rage and bitterness. I had to admit I was hurting and surrender to the process of healing.
Healing is hard, healing is work, healing takes time,healing requires patience, and mostly; healing hurts. But one thing for sure is that it gets better with time. It was then that I understood that these dreams are going to be even more intense when I start my journey, I am going to dream more and have more visits from my ancestors, some of them I had not dealt with the pain of their passing. Was I ready for that?Absolutely NOT, Am I ready now that I know what intwaso isn’t what I thought? -I think so, but again that is such unfair question because how can I ever be ready for thing/s I know nothing about?One thing for sure is I am open to learning, evolving and definitely ready to step into my purpose, even if it requires healing, facing my fears and my demons. – My toxic self, the scared little girl inside of me, my insecurities and being vulnerable. I think I just admitted to being scared, I am scared although healers and spiritualists I have had to converse with always said there is nothing to be scared. But I find comfort in the book of Isaiah:
Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.
Isaiah 43:1–2 ESV
To my dear fellows who are about to embark on the journey of heeding their calling, stepping into their destiny, fulfilling their purpose but feel like fear is creeping in on them. These poignant words of the prophet Isaiah do not promise us a way around, but a way through. It is not a question of whether you pass through waters that would threaten to overwhelm or walk through flames that would seek to consume you… it is simply a matter of when. Just know that when that time comes, you are never alone. God, Your ancestors, Buddha, The Universe whatever it is you believe in, is never in isolation. The high powers that you believe in will never for sake you. Redemption does not guarantee us safety in this world; it is a promise that we will never walk alone.
{Disclaimer: Apologies to any of the people I’ve rolled my eyes at when they asked if I was ready when I thought I had everything under control. I genuine thought I was ready. Askies, Tshwarelo, Phepi.}
